Having been recently looking for a job again I’ve been exposed to the usual hyperbole and frankly bullshit terms both businesses and recruiters use on a regular basis.
Here is a run down of my favourites and what I think they really mean:

We’re looking for someone who…

  • is a self starter - we have no documentation
  • keeps up with latest technology - we don’t train our staff
  • is passionate about technology - as long as it works we’re happy, if you want an up to date stack then you’ll have to drag us forward.
  • likes to code in their spare time - you’ll be overloaded and coding for us in your spare time
  • enjoys solving problems - 50% of our last funding round was based on papering over the problems we’ve yet to solve
  • can take ownership of their work - the only business quality checks we have is the sanity of our developers
  • is an expert in a 6 month old technology - we place great stock in the latest, unproven, most hyped framework/language/tooling on the block, technical ability is secondary to self promotion
  • is capable of communicating with our global development teams - we outsourced and now regret it
  • will quickly integrate with the team - we’ve been looking for someone for this role for six months and we’re getting desperate.
  • can work with junior and non-technical teams to share knowledge and skills - everyone here is working out of their depth and has little training but a “can do attitude”
  • Ideal candidates for this role learn and adapt quickly - we have no onboarding process at all

As a company we…

  • have a product used daily by x (large) number of customers - we need help with our production environment, it’s basically legacy and we’re going to throw you straight in
  • have a fast paced environment - we constantly fire fight problems
  • are an agile company - we don’t plan anything
  • have beers every Friday - our all hands meetings are so boring we have to bribe you
  • are in a cutting edge industry - no one has regulated our approach yet, the things we do could one day be classed as illegal
  • are an online gaming company - we’re a gambling company
  • are looking for a ninja/wizard/guru - we think tech is basically black magic and we have no idea what we’re doing.
  • work in a high transaction environment - traders will throw things at you when services go down
  • we’re international - we’re screwed post brexit or you’re screwed as we’ll relocate

Ridiculous Stuff Managers and C-Level staff spout

  • Transition - I want to uproot everything
  • Touch base - I’ll talk to you when no-one else is here to hold me accountable
  • As a business we need to consider - we need to make a decision absent any sort of moral compass or individual responsibility.
  • Take it offline - it’s awkward and we don’t want anyone else to know our issues
  • At the end of the day the business needs to make money - fuck your personal feelings about how things operate
  • We need to move fast - someone handed the customer a date and then forgot about it
  • Some turnover is expected - employees are leaving and we don’t know why, we’d rather assume this is an industry problem
  • Moving forward - I’m wrong/we made a mistake but don’t want to admit it
  • Give 110% - I don’t know basic maths
  • Lean In - Everyone should work harder for me